I recently ran into a former church member who told me that this article, which I wrote in 2002 for a church newsletter, is something that she still reads and is blessed by it. I asked her to send it to me to share it with you. I hope there is something in it that will bless you! (THANK YOU GOD, for using me to be a blessing to another!)
The Other Side Of Through - God's Wisdom in Due Season
Bought sense. That’s what my Mother always called it. It was what you gained AFTER you had experienced something. It was the lesson you carried with you from that day forward. As a Christian, it is the wisdom of God springing forth out of a difficult situation. It is where you land when you arrive on the other side of through. You know what “through” is, right? It’s when you’ve cried all night long, or you are in a situation that you have no solution to, or when you just can’t seem to pull yourself up out of that depression that you’re in and people ask you, “What is wrong?” and you can only reply “I’m just going through”. Milton Bignon has a song that reminds us “there’s a blessing on the other side of through.”
I recently was reflecting on the number of “throughs” that I have survived and also in the deliverance received in the series of messages by Pastor Ogletree on “It’s My Time”. Is it really my time, I asked myself? Is it my season? In arriving on the other side of my latest “through”, God revealed to me the essence of what “your time and season” really is.
The four seasons or nature’s cycle are all something that we are familiar with, and each season takes approximately 3 months to complete itself. So when we hear the words “it’s your season or it’s your time”, we immediately think that our prayers will be answered instantaneously, or at least by the end of the next season. We begin to rejoice! In three months, everything will be alright! But wait….we are still on God’s time, not our time, and the amount of time that is necessary for us to complete our season or our cycle is completely dependent upon where we are in our walk with God. There are different elements of your season just as there are different elements of each season of nature. Recognizing that you are in need of God’s guidance in your life is one element. Growing in your knowledge of the word is another element. Recognizing that Momma’s relationship with God is not yours is another element. Examining where you are in your personal relationships and removing the toxic people from your surroundings is another element. A few weeks ago someone emailed me a list of statements that I sat down and compared it to the bits of wisdom that God has given to me in arriving at the other side of through. I will share some of these with you.
1. “When you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done”. A college degree was something that I never thought I would achieve. There was always an “if only” standing between the degree and myself. One day, I decided that I would find a program that would allow me to work, be a good mother, and obtain my degree. I didn’t know how I would pay for it or even if I would qualify for financial aid. That was in October of 1999. I began at LeTourneau University in January of 2000 and I will graduate this December with a degree in Business Management. Never say never.
2. “What you are willing to move away from determines what God will bring to you.” Bishop McLaughlin shared with us on Sunday about running to meet our giants. My giant is insecurity. I stand witness to you today that every time I face that insecurity head on, God allows me to achieve my goal. I always felt that I was too tall, too large, too dark, hair too short, etc. to do anything that was associated with “beauty”. Last year, I faced that giant of insecurity and entered the Miss American Achievement pageant. I won the city title, state title, and ultimately became first runner up for the national title. I moved away from fear, and God brought me accomplishment.
3. “God never consults your past to determine your future.” There are things in my past that I am not proud of, just as there are in yours. If I continued to keep my head down because of the things that I had not been able to do in the past, I wouldn’t have seen the doors and windows opening to me for the new improved and exciting blessings that God has lay before me now and in the future. This too shall pass - let it go. God has prepared us and is preparing us for exactly where we need to be in his kingdom, and he knows what he has brought us through to get there.
4. “The only difference between your present and your future is your wisdom.” My personal relationships have left a lot to be desired, and as a result, I remain a single woman – but I tell you, I would rather wait for the BEST man that God is preparing for me than settle for the GOOD man that I think I need. Stand still and know that with God ALL things are possible.
We all make mistakes, and will continue to do so. Just remember that the joy is in knowing that with each mistake, there is wisdom to be gained and a step to be made. With each step you get closer to the desires of your heart and the riches that God has prepared just for you. Don’t be discouraged by the storms that come your way, just know that ‘through” is something that we all experience. You have either been through, are going through, or are about to go through – but know that there is a blessing, and added wisdom in the elements of your season, on the other side of through.
THEN AND NOW….
This was written 7 years ago, and yes, I still go through, and I still reflect on these aspects of what God is trying to show me as a result of whatever it is I am going through. I did get my Bachelor's degree; I also completed my Master's degree in Education in 2006 and am working on my PhD. I got married to a man that I thought was the man for me – he was a GOOD man, but not the BEST man that God has for me - and now I am divorced. I continue to strive for the prize that is awaiting me at the end of each lesson. I continue to examine who and what is in my life and whether or not it should remain there, and I tell you, EVERY TIME that I REMOVE some garbage from my life GOD SHOWERS ME WITH GOODNESS!! I am not as insecure as I used to be. Do I question things – yes, sometimes, but don’t get it twisted, I am a FABULOUSLY FIERCE DIVINE DIVA! I am a BEAUTIFUL woman with a huge heart and a loving spirit – and NOTHING you do will take that away from me! It IS who God created me to be – and the FAKE in you cannot remove the REAL in me! (Sorry, I had a moment..LOL!)
Now with these thoughts in mind, WHY LAWD, WHY, wouldn’t you look FORWARD to the OTHER SIDE of THROUGH?!?!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
No More Disclaimers...
A friend of mine who read my “Lies like a Rug” post called me up and said that I shouldn’t have posted the disclaimer. She said that my words stood on their own merit, and that I had initially stated that they were my “personal observations, opinions, and sometimes random incoherent rants” so no need to do that.
That started me to thinking – (yes, I know how dangerous that is, but I can’t help myself.) I wondered, WHY LAWD WHY, it is that so many of us will give a disclaimer to something that we think, do, or feel? Hmmm…
Disclaimer is defined as “the act of disclaiming; the renouncing, repudiating, or denying of a claim. a statement, document, or assertion that disclaims responsibility, affiliation, etc.;” Upon consideration of that definition, I would say that most of the time, we do not want to renounce or deny what we have stated, but more so to further explain our rationale for our statements OR actions. In pondering this further, I considered that we could use some alternative words or phrases:
1. Cause – I said what I said CAUSE that is what I wanted to say!
2. Reason – If folk wouldn’t act the way they act, then I wouldn’t have REASON to act like I act!
3. Delimitating factors – We won’t even go there….
4. Alibi – Only necessary in situations that could ultimately end up in facing parents, spouses, significant others, the police, or on Judge Mathis!
5. “See what had happened was….” - You already know that what will follow that phrase is a lie added to the lie that started the conversation in the FIRST PLACE!
Legally, disclaimers keep a lot of companies off of the hot seat, but in interpersonal relationships – it’s just best to choose something a little different – now you have a few more options! Thanks my friend!
That started me to thinking – (yes, I know how dangerous that is, but I can’t help myself.) I wondered, WHY LAWD WHY, it is that so many of us will give a disclaimer to something that we think, do, or feel? Hmmm…
Disclaimer is defined as “the act of disclaiming; the renouncing, repudiating, or denying of a claim. a statement, document, or assertion that disclaims responsibility, affiliation, etc.;” Upon consideration of that definition, I would say that most of the time, we do not want to renounce or deny what we have stated, but more so to further explain our rationale for our statements OR actions. In pondering this further, I considered that we could use some alternative words or phrases:
1. Cause – I said what I said CAUSE that is what I wanted to say!
2. Reason – If folk wouldn’t act the way they act, then I wouldn’t have REASON to act like I act!
3. Delimitating factors – We won’t even go there….
4. Alibi – Only necessary in situations that could ultimately end up in facing parents, spouses, significant others, the police, or on Judge Mathis!
5. “See what had happened was….” - You already know that what will follow that phrase is a lie added to the lie that started the conversation in the FIRST PLACE!
Legally, disclaimers keep a lot of companies off of the hot seat, but in interpersonal relationships – it’s just best to choose something a little different – now you have a few more options! Thanks my friend!
If I'm Every Woman, Why Can't I Choose The Man AND The Life I Want?
Retrieved from http://www.michronicleonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=362:snubbing-the-wedding-ring-&catid=9:news-rotator
Snubbing the Wedding Ring
A new research from Yale University is going right to the heart of an issue that is all too familiar in the African American community. That educated and successful Black women are finding it difficult to meet “Mr. Right.”
The research which has become the subject of many discussions in the media about the stability of the Black family in the Barack Obama era shows that few Black women with post-graduate degrees are getting married and having children. “
In the past nearly four decades, Black women have made great gains in higher education rates, yet these gains appear to have come increasingly at the expense of marriage and family,” said Hannah Brueckner, professor of sociology at Yale University and one of the authors of the research. “Both White and Black highly educated women have increasingly delayed childbirth and remain childless, but the increase is stronger for Black women.”
This new study produced by Yale University Center for Research on Inequalities and the Life Course, directed by Brueckner, has been described as the first of its kind for reviewing long-term trends in marriage among highly educated Black women.
According to the study, Black women who were born after 1950 were twice as likely as their White counterparts to never have been married by age 45, and twice as likely to be divorced, widowed or separated. “
Highly educated Black women have increasingly fewer options when it comes to potential mates,” Brueckner said. “They are less likely than Black men to marry outside their race, and compared to Whites and Black men, they are least likely to marry a college-educated spouse.”
Some highly educated and successful Black men have gone outside of their race to find their soul mates.
Vivid examples can be found in Julian Bond, veteran civil rights leader and chairman of the National NAACP, entertainer/activist Harry Belafonte, former United Nations Secretary General Kofi Anan, basketball great Charles Barkley and golf superstar Tiger Woods, who all married White women.
Because of the limited pool of available intelligent and accomplished Black men, some Detroiters are responding to the Yale report with cautious optimism.
“I think that Black women should explore other options (opposite sex), just as many Blacks have done throughout history. Love is not defined in terms of Black and Black, but perhaps, in terms of Latino, Asian, White, etc,” said Kimberly Hill, 37, a political consultant, lecturer and former aide to Congressman John Conyers.
Hill said Black women are faced with so many socioeconomic challenges that sometimes provide unintended roadblocks in developing relationships.
“For jobs that have traditionally been held by White men, there is almost an unbearable amount of pressure to perform exceptionally. Consequently, women are often forced to choose between career advancement or love,” Hill said.
“It is very possible to become so engrossed in the mundane functions of a career position that you lose sight of your outside interests, thus hindering your chances of finding love.”
However, Hill believes the dilemma facing Black women can be addressed.
“The answer is balance. As successful Black women we must learn to prioritize what is important in life, and balance must influence this equation,” she said. “A balanced woman achieves academic and career success, actively displays a commitment to bettering their community, has a social life, and most importantly, at least in my view has developed spiritual maturity.”
The study noted that despite the fact that Black women are more likely than White women to have children, 45 percent of those born between 1955 and 1960 didn’t have children by 45 compared to 35 percent of White women who were born in the same period.
The study, led by Natalie Nitsche, a graduate student in sociology at Yale, used data from the U.S. Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey to reveal the marital status of Black women with postgraduate degrees.
For example, for Black women with postgraduate degrees born between 1956 and 1960, the average age they gave birth for the first time was 34, almost in the same range as White women.
However, when White women started reaching their 30s, many of them gave birth more than once while most Black women did not.
Ebony Reed, 31, deputy metro editor at the Detroit News, said there are a number of factors responsible for the shortage of Black men in our communities.
“If Black professional women are only looking in the Black community for a mate there is a limited pool of available men, based on high rates of incarceration, mortality and unemployment of Black men,” Reed said. “There are also lower levels of college degrees among Black men when compared to Black women.”
Reed, an accomplished journalist who received management training at the New York Times and at the Maynard Institute’s Media Academy at Harvard University, said the situation in Detroit is dire.
“For Detroit women between the ages of 30 and 40, there are approximately 30 percent more women than men in the city,” Reed said. “When you look at the Census data for the same age group across Michigan, there is only a 6 percent difference, based on the recent U.S. Census American Community Survey.”
Reed said that means women who live in Detroit face a much smaller pool of available men to start with.
“For example according to the recent Census, more than 50,000 women in Detroit, which is a mostly Black community, have a bachelor degrees or higher compared to only 31,000 of men,” Reed said.
At 26 years, Kelly L. Dickens, a successful producer and reporter for ABC12 WJRT TV in Flint, describes herself as “super single.”
“I have had about three relationships and I ended them because they simply weren’t working,” she said. “There was tension in a few of them because of my demanding job schedule and ambition. Right now I am single. I have no candidates. I’m not sure I totally believe that’s because there aren’t any available men who have my standards.”
Dickens said she and several other successful Black women are waiting for their “Barack Obama” to come and find them.
President Obama has become the new model of a charming Black prince for most Black women who see his strong family values and affection for Michelle Obama as renewed hope that they can find their own someday.
“For so long people have pretended as if it was close to impossible to have it all, but the President of the United States and Michelle shattered that glass ceiling,” Dickens said.
The U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey of 2006 showed that 45 percent of Black women in America have never been married compared to 23 percent of White women.
That fear of being alone, whether it is during the holiday season or other special occasions forces some women to make rash decisions resulting in unsatisfactory relationships, and unfulfilling marriages that end quickly in divorce.
More recently the gender roles of women have changed, making them more demanding in professional fields traditionally held by men, which consequently affects relationships.
“I’ve heard a few men say that women nowadays just don’t know their ‘role.’ Being a woman in the work force, I work to tear down ‘roles.’ My coworker just said women fight for their rights and roles at work and then bring that same attitude into a relationship and it doesn’t work,” Dickens said. “I can see this happening, but I don’t think that is me. I think I can be a good mate but I don’t baby and coddle men. I will, however, be your number one supporter.”
Portia Roberson, who heads the U.S. Justice Department Office of Intergovernmental and Public Liaison, is not only a successful lawyer, but the native Detroiter is also a rising star in the Obama administration.
When reached on her cell, Roberson, who has turned 40, agreed with Kimberly Hill that Black women should expand their dating options.
“We need to widen our scope of dating and relationship possibilities. However, we are often convinced that only a certain type of man can be our soul mate,” Roberson said. “We recognize that men may seem to have a myriad of dating options, but they must challenge themselves to recognize that there remains real value and happiness in being in committed, loving relationships.”
Recounting her dating experience, Roberson said it’s never been an issue for her to date men of different status and income levels.
“I’ve dated men who made significantly more than I did and men who’ve made less. Black women, like all women, are looking for men who treat us respectfully, love us, and have healthy relationships with their families, friends and their God. Men who are confident, open and secure with themselves,” Roberson said.
Lonette McKee, actress and filmmaker, said it is a new day for Black women.
“Throughout my entire adult life I’ve always been in a live-in relationship with a man. I’ve been happily married and gleefully divorced. I’ve enjoyed great relationships with wonderful men and some, well, not so much. But things have changed. It’s a new day,” McKee said. “Women nowadays are holding down jobs, earning their own paychecks and taking responsibility for their own happiness and emotional well-being. We realize we’re capable of taking care of ourselves and don’t necessarily need or want men (or anyone else) to provide for us. There’s power in independence.”
C. Paschal Eze is author of the allegorical “Divorce Appetizers: All You Shouldn’t Eat and What to Do When You Eat Them,” that offers methods for maintaining a healthy marriage.
“I won’t be surprised if in the future you find many more diverse families where John is Brown, Mary is Yellow and Steve is White and their Mama is my lovely Black sister whose current husband is Yellow. I won’t be surprised if that same future produces more Black fathers of mulattoes who do not really care about our traditions,” Eze said whose book is being released on Amazon.com.
“Our Black culture may yield more ground in the cultural push and pull, losing some of its steam and substance. Yet, I must posit that love is wherever and whenever you find it — in White or Black, inner city or suburb, tall or short, online, word of mouth recommendation, at professional conference or choir practice — as long as it is love and not something that pretends to be love. I think the more our women go outside of our community to marry, the stronger the challenge would be on our men to rise up and take their rightful place in the hearts of these women. If they don’t fill the vacuum, you can bet others will, eventually.”
The divorce rate in the Black community is equally soaring, presenting another challenge to the Black family.
“Yes, the number of should-be-married and once-married ladies is huge. One may say it has even become a thing of pride to wave the once-married banner and talk often about ‘loving my daughter to death,’ as if the daughter is a finite consolation for not having a husband,” Eze said. “You know, it sort of reflects one’s level of social sophistication and spirit of independence. Beyond that, I think, in many ways, marrying and staying married has also become a matter of cash. Show me your wallet, and I will show you the type of woman that can stick with you, come summer or winter. But not all women are that way, I must add.”
But Eze added, “There are still women that will love their Black men for who they are, and will go the distance with them. There are also men who fold their hands and wait for the women to guide, feed, clothe and bathe them. Are they really men?”
E-mail senior editor Bankole Thompson at bthompson@michronicle.com.
Snubbing the Wedding Ring
A new research from Yale University is going right to the heart of an issue that is all too familiar in the African American community. That educated and successful Black women are finding it difficult to meet “Mr. Right.”
The research which has become the subject of many discussions in the media about the stability of the Black family in the Barack Obama era shows that few Black women with post-graduate degrees are getting married and having children. “
In the past nearly four decades, Black women have made great gains in higher education rates, yet these gains appear to have come increasingly at the expense of marriage and family,” said Hannah Brueckner, professor of sociology at Yale University and one of the authors of the research. “Both White and Black highly educated women have increasingly delayed childbirth and remain childless, but the increase is stronger for Black women.”
This new study produced by Yale University Center for Research on Inequalities and the Life Course, directed by Brueckner, has been described as the first of its kind for reviewing long-term trends in marriage among highly educated Black women.
According to the study, Black women who were born after 1950 were twice as likely as their White counterparts to never have been married by age 45, and twice as likely to be divorced, widowed or separated. “
Highly educated Black women have increasingly fewer options when it comes to potential mates,” Brueckner said. “They are less likely than Black men to marry outside their race, and compared to Whites and Black men, they are least likely to marry a college-educated spouse.”
Some highly educated and successful Black men have gone outside of their race to find their soul mates.
Vivid examples can be found in Julian Bond, veteran civil rights leader and chairman of the National NAACP, entertainer/activist Harry Belafonte, former United Nations Secretary General Kofi Anan, basketball great Charles Barkley and golf superstar Tiger Woods, who all married White women.
Because of the limited pool of available intelligent and accomplished Black men, some Detroiters are responding to the Yale report with cautious optimism.
“I think that Black women should explore other options (opposite sex), just as many Blacks have done throughout history. Love is not defined in terms of Black and Black, but perhaps, in terms of Latino, Asian, White, etc,” said Kimberly Hill, 37, a political consultant, lecturer and former aide to Congressman John Conyers.
Hill said Black women are faced with so many socioeconomic challenges that sometimes provide unintended roadblocks in developing relationships.
“For jobs that have traditionally been held by White men, there is almost an unbearable amount of pressure to perform exceptionally. Consequently, women are often forced to choose between career advancement or love,” Hill said.
“It is very possible to become so engrossed in the mundane functions of a career position that you lose sight of your outside interests, thus hindering your chances of finding love.”
However, Hill believes the dilemma facing Black women can be addressed.
“The answer is balance. As successful Black women we must learn to prioritize what is important in life, and balance must influence this equation,” she said. “A balanced woman achieves academic and career success, actively displays a commitment to bettering their community, has a social life, and most importantly, at least in my view has developed spiritual maturity.”
The study noted that despite the fact that Black women are more likely than White women to have children, 45 percent of those born between 1955 and 1960 didn’t have children by 45 compared to 35 percent of White women who were born in the same period.
The study, led by Natalie Nitsche, a graduate student in sociology at Yale, used data from the U.S. Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey to reveal the marital status of Black women with postgraduate degrees.
For example, for Black women with postgraduate degrees born between 1956 and 1960, the average age they gave birth for the first time was 34, almost in the same range as White women.
However, when White women started reaching their 30s, many of them gave birth more than once while most Black women did not.
Ebony Reed, 31, deputy metro editor at the Detroit News, said there are a number of factors responsible for the shortage of Black men in our communities.
“If Black professional women are only looking in the Black community for a mate there is a limited pool of available men, based on high rates of incarceration, mortality and unemployment of Black men,” Reed said. “There are also lower levels of college degrees among Black men when compared to Black women.”
Reed, an accomplished journalist who received management training at the New York Times and at the Maynard Institute’s Media Academy at Harvard University, said the situation in Detroit is dire.
“For Detroit women between the ages of 30 and 40, there are approximately 30 percent more women than men in the city,” Reed said. “When you look at the Census data for the same age group across Michigan, there is only a 6 percent difference, based on the recent U.S. Census American Community Survey.”
Reed said that means women who live in Detroit face a much smaller pool of available men to start with.
“For example according to the recent Census, more than 50,000 women in Detroit, which is a mostly Black community, have a bachelor degrees or higher compared to only 31,000 of men,” Reed said.
At 26 years, Kelly L. Dickens, a successful producer and reporter for ABC12 WJRT TV in Flint, describes herself as “super single.”
“I have had about three relationships and I ended them because they simply weren’t working,” she said. “There was tension in a few of them because of my demanding job schedule and ambition. Right now I am single. I have no candidates. I’m not sure I totally believe that’s because there aren’t any available men who have my standards.”
Dickens said she and several other successful Black women are waiting for their “Barack Obama” to come and find them.
President Obama has become the new model of a charming Black prince for most Black women who see his strong family values and affection for Michelle Obama as renewed hope that they can find their own someday.
“For so long people have pretended as if it was close to impossible to have it all, but the President of the United States and Michelle shattered that glass ceiling,” Dickens said.
The U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey of 2006 showed that 45 percent of Black women in America have never been married compared to 23 percent of White women.
That fear of being alone, whether it is during the holiday season or other special occasions forces some women to make rash decisions resulting in unsatisfactory relationships, and unfulfilling marriages that end quickly in divorce.
More recently the gender roles of women have changed, making them more demanding in professional fields traditionally held by men, which consequently affects relationships.
“I’ve heard a few men say that women nowadays just don’t know their ‘role.’ Being a woman in the work force, I work to tear down ‘roles.’ My coworker just said women fight for their rights and roles at work and then bring that same attitude into a relationship and it doesn’t work,” Dickens said. “I can see this happening, but I don’t think that is me. I think I can be a good mate but I don’t baby and coddle men. I will, however, be your number one supporter.”
Portia Roberson, who heads the U.S. Justice Department Office of Intergovernmental and Public Liaison, is not only a successful lawyer, but the native Detroiter is also a rising star in the Obama administration.
When reached on her cell, Roberson, who has turned 40, agreed with Kimberly Hill that Black women should expand their dating options.
“We need to widen our scope of dating and relationship possibilities. However, we are often convinced that only a certain type of man can be our soul mate,” Roberson said. “We recognize that men may seem to have a myriad of dating options, but they must challenge themselves to recognize that there remains real value and happiness in being in committed, loving relationships.”
Recounting her dating experience, Roberson said it’s never been an issue for her to date men of different status and income levels.
“I’ve dated men who made significantly more than I did and men who’ve made less. Black women, like all women, are looking for men who treat us respectfully, love us, and have healthy relationships with their families, friends and their God. Men who are confident, open and secure with themselves,” Roberson said.
Lonette McKee, actress and filmmaker, said it is a new day for Black women.
“Throughout my entire adult life I’ve always been in a live-in relationship with a man. I’ve been happily married and gleefully divorced. I’ve enjoyed great relationships with wonderful men and some, well, not so much. But things have changed. It’s a new day,” McKee said. “Women nowadays are holding down jobs, earning their own paychecks and taking responsibility for their own happiness and emotional well-being. We realize we’re capable of taking care of ourselves and don’t necessarily need or want men (or anyone else) to provide for us. There’s power in independence.”
C. Paschal Eze is author of the allegorical “Divorce Appetizers: All You Shouldn’t Eat and What to Do When You Eat Them,” that offers methods for maintaining a healthy marriage.
“I won’t be surprised if in the future you find many more diverse families where John is Brown, Mary is Yellow and Steve is White and their Mama is my lovely Black sister whose current husband is Yellow. I won’t be surprised if that same future produces more Black fathers of mulattoes who do not really care about our traditions,” Eze said whose book is being released on Amazon.com.
“Our Black culture may yield more ground in the cultural push and pull, losing some of its steam and substance. Yet, I must posit that love is wherever and whenever you find it — in White or Black, inner city or suburb, tall or short, online, word of mouth recommendation, at professional conference or choir practice — as long as it is love and not something that pretends to be love. I think the more our women go outside of our community to marry, the stronger the challenge would be on our men to rise up and take their rightful place in the hearts of these women. If they don’t fill the vacuum, you can bet others will, eventually.”
The divorce rate in the Black community is equally soaring, presenting another challenge to the Black family.
“Yes, the number of should-be-married and once-married ladies is huge. One may say it has even become a thing of pride to wave the once-married banner and talk often about ‘loving my daughter to death,’ as if the daughter is a finite consolation for not having a husband,” Eze said. “You know, it sort of reflects one’s level of social sophistication and spirit of independence. Beyond that, I think, in many ways, marrying and staying married has also become a matter of cash. Show me your wallet, and I will show you the type of woman that can stick with you, come summer or winter. But not all women are that way, I must add.”
But Eze added, “There are still women that will love their Black men for who they are, and will go the distance with them. There are also men who fold their hands and wait for the women to guide, feed, clothe and bathe them. Are they really men?”
E-mail senior editor Bankole Thompson at bthompson@michronicle.com.
Friday, December 4, 2009
An Open Letter to Tiger Woods from Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell
From Roberta: For many years, Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell has been a man that I have looked to for guidance and inspiration, and he never failed to give me a word from God. During my years as a member of Windsor Village United Methodist Church, I never felt lost in the crowd as some say they do in a large church, and knew that if needed, I could call him personally. It was because of distance that I made the decision to move my membership. His book, The Gospel of Good Success, was a part of my decision to go back to school to complete my Bachelors degree – and now I am in pursuit of a PhD after completing my Master’s degree three years ago. I received this message today and wanted to share it with you. It not only applies to the Tiger Woods situation, but offers some words of wisdom to us all. Thank you Pastor Caldwell!
From Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell:
Despite everything that’s going on in the world, the press has been fixated on Tiger Woods. I have written an open letter to Tiger, offering him some advice. Tiger’s decision to have alleged affair(s) was wrong but there are several lessons to be learned from his actions as well as what has happened in the days after the incident at his home. I hope this advice to Tiger also ministers to you if you’re ever, and I pray you’re not, in a situation where you need to be redeemed.
-----
Dear Tiger,
Blessings upon you and yours!
I have admired your extraordinarily unparalleled golf skills since you appeared on the Johnny Carson show with your dad over 20 years ago. I also salute the countless hours of preparation and practice you have invested in your professional career. Your relentless pursuit of perfection as a professional golfer inspires thousands of athletes to take games to the next level. Now you have an opportunity to take your personal game to the next level.
A lot of folk are offering you advice right now. The advice you receive and subsequently act upon will directly impact your inner peace and outer productivity for years to come. As one who has observed many comebacks, know that I am praying for you and offer you the following:
1) Continue to protect your home. Do what you can to regain your wife’s trust and happiness. Reports suggest you and your wife are in counseling. That’s a great step, keep seeking the professional coaching and counseling you and yours need so you can emerge stronger and wiser. Keep your family happy and whole, not hurt and wounded. Use these days as an opportunity to recalibrate your internal compass so you can remain pointed in the right direction.
2) Make a statement to the public in person. Charles Barkley is right when he says you need to say something. President Clinton made a statement and most Americans interpreted his words as a falsification of the facts. Some scholars believe he even lied under oath, yet, he has moved on and so has the American sentiment. Frankly, had you spoken publicly last Sunday, the news cycle would be totally different today.
3) Get off the press’ back. If you want them to give you privacy, then stop complaining about their coverage of you. If you want privacy, then talk publicly once and the intense media focus will shift to the next issue de jour. (Most of them anyway.) Take a page from David Letterman’s book of “How to Handle the Press 101.” Letterman’s sexual actions were, arguably, illegal. Yet, he confessed with out complaining about the press and everyone has moved on. Sometimes, you have to face folk head on before you can move on. The first paragraph of your press statement was great. The rest of it simply poured kerosene on the very fire you were trying to extinguish. Confess; don’t complain.
4) Play the hand you’ve been dealt. Your notoriety is what it is. There is no need to wish differently. You are an icon. You have made more money off the course than on the course. The same dynamics that helped make you wealthy now “demand” you deal with the reality of your stardom, no matter how painful it is or private it should be. I agree with you that it is a private matter. Unfortunately, your dealt hand requires you to offer a public message so you can proceed with your private matters. You have to play your hand. Surrogates will not suffice.
5) Get a Nathan. Every David needs a Nathan. In the Old Testament of the Bible, King David messed up sexually. Nathan, a member of the community, was there to give him Godly advice. But Nathan also held David accountable for his actions. As a result, David confessed and eventually went on to a successful future. You can do likewise. Identify two or three folk in your life who will tell you the truth about yourself at all times, particularly when you don’t want to hear it. In fact, “check in” with them regularly so your path remains clear of self-destructive debris. A good reliable “Nathan” is priceless. Incidentally, the more fame and fortune you accumulate, the more you need a good Nathan!
6) Stay focused. While you are processing this episode of your life, stay focused on the values you want your children to personify as adolescents and adults and on the values you want your wife to personify as your spouse. Once you sufficiently process all of what’s happened, get back on the tour and kick butt “new and improved Tiger-style!”
Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell
Sr. Pastor, Windsor Village United Methodist Church
From Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell:
Despite everything that’s going on in the world, the press has been fixated on Tiger Woods. I have written an open letter to Tiger, offering him some advice. Tiger’s decision to have alleged affair(s) was wrong but there are several lessons to be learned from his actions as well as what has happened in the days after the incident at his home. I hope this advice to Tiger also ministers to you if you’re ever, and I pray you’re not, in a situation where you need to be redeemed.
-----
Dear Tiger,
Blessings upon you and yours!
I have admired your extraordinarily unparalleled golf skills since you appeared on the Johnny Carson show with your dad over 20 years ago. I also salute the countless hours of preparation and practice you have invested in your professional career. Your relentless pursuit of perfection as a professional golfer inspires thousands of athletes to take games to the next level. Now you have an opportunity to take your personal game to the next level.
A lot of folk are offering you advice right now. The advice you receive and subsequently act upon will directly impact your inner peace and outer productivity for years to come. As one who has observed many comebacks, know that I am praying for you and offer you the following:
1) Continue to protect your home. Do what you can to regain your wife’s trust and happiness. Reports suggest you and your wife are in counseling. That’s a great step, keep seeking the professional coaching and counseling you and yours need so you can emerge stronger and wiser. Keep your family happy and whole, not hurt and wounded. Use these days as an opportunity to recalibrate your internal compass so you can remain pointed in the right direction.
2) Make a statement to the public in person. Charles Barkley is right when he says you need to say something. President Clinton made a statement and most Americans interpreted his words as a falsification of the facts. Some scholars believe he even lied under oath, yet, he has moved on and so has the American sentiment. Frankly, had you spoken publicly last Sunday, the news cycle would be totally different today.
3) Get off the press’ back. If you want them to give you privacy, then stop complaining about their coverage of you. If you want privacy, then talk publicly once and the intense media focus will shift to the next issue de jour. (Most of them anyway.) Take a page from David Letterman’s book of “How to Handle the Press 101.” Letterman’s sexual actions were, arguably, illegal. Yet, he confessed with out complaining about the press and everyone has moved on. Sometimes, you have to face folk head on before you can move on. The first paragraph of your press statement was great. The rest of it simply poured kerosene on the very fire you were trying to extinguish. Confess; don’t complain.
4) Play the hand you’ve been dealt. Your notoriety is what it is. There is no need to wish differently. You are an icon. You have made more money off the course than on the course. The same dynamics that helped make you wealthy now “demand” you deal with the reality of your stardom, no matter how painful it is or private it should be. I agree with you that it is a private matter. Unfortunately, your dealt hand requires you to offer a public message so you can proceed with your private matters. You have to play your hand. Surrogates will not suffice.
5) Get a Nathan. Every David needs a Nathan. In the Old Testament of the Bible, King David messed up sexually. Nathan, a member of the community, was there to give him Godly advice. But Nathan also held David accountable for his actions. As a result, David confessed and eventually went on to a successful future. You can do likewise. Identify two or three folk in your life who will tell you the truth about yourself at all times, particularly when you don’t want to hear it. In fact, “check in” with them regularly so your path remains clear of self-destructive debris. A good reliable “Nathan” is priceless. Incidentally, the more fame and fortune you accumulate, the more you need a good Nathan!
6) Stay focused. While you are processing this episode of your life, stay focused on the values you want your children to personify as adolescents and adults and on the values you want your wife to personify as your spouse. Once you sufficiently process all of what’s happened, get back on the tour and kick butt “new and improved Tiger-style!”
Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell
Sr. Pastor, Windsor Village United Methodist Church
A Psalm for Nyna...
After posting the Coffee Lovers Psalm I recieved an IM from my friend Nyna reminding me that I forgot the Coke lovers (of which I am a member too). Since I am an equal opportunity kinda girl, this is for you Nyna - and all of the other Coca Cola lovers out there!
The Coke Lover’s Psalm
Coke is my shepherd; I shall not thirst.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no soda:
For thou art with me; thy ice and thy straw they comfort me.
Thou preparest a 44oz before me in the presence of Sonic:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my foam runneth over.
Surely caffeine and fizz shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Cola forever.
~Author Unknown~ Remixed by Roberta
The Coke Lover’s Psalm
Coke is my shepherd; I shall not thirst.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no soda:
For thou art with me; thy ice and thy straw they comfort me.
Thou preparest a 44oz before me in the presence of Sonic:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my foam runneth over.
Surely caffeine and fizz shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Cola forever.
~Author Unknown~ Remixed by Roberta
Coffee Lovers Unite!
I DO love me some coffee!! I GOTTA have a cup in the morning and sometimes I drink it throughout the day. If I don't have a cup at some point in the first 2-3 hours after I wake up, you will NOT like me that day! It is NOT pretty!
So coffee lovers - STOP THE DENIAL! Lift your mugs high and say it with me - I LOVE COFFEE! Stand tall when you walk into Starbucks and they know what to prepare for you with out you saying a word! Proudly display your collection of coffee mugs (just don't try to tell me when and where you got each one!) and WHY - WHY LAWD WHY do you try to hide the 4 different kinds of flavored creamers in your refrigerator?!?!? DO YOU! (I'm a Chocolate Caramel fan, myself!)
In honor of my fellow coffee lovers, I present, the Coffee Lovers Psalm!
Lift your cup, and enjoy!
The Coffee Lover’s Psalm
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Folgers forever.
~Author Unknown~
So coffee lovers - STOP THE DENIAL! Lift your mugs high and say it with me - I LOVE COFFEE! Stand tall when you walk into Starbucks and they know what to prepare for you with out you saying a word! Proudly display your collection of coffee mugs (just don't try to tell me when and where you got each one!) and WHY - WHY LAWD WHY do you try to hide the 4 different kinds of flavored creamers in your refrigerator?!?!? DO YOU! (I'm a Chocolate Caramel fan, myself!)
In honor of my fellow coffee lovers, I present, the Coffee Lovers Psalm!
Lift your cup, and enjoy!
The Coffee Lover’s Psalm
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Folgers forever.
~Author Unknown~
Thursday, December 3, 2009
LIE like a rug.....
***Disclaimer - this was written right after learning of the Tiger Woods debaucle along with some personal experience. I do NOT think that ALL MEN are like this.****
The Tiger Woods soap opera has generated several conversations this week about relationships and there seems to be a recurring theme - the seemingly uncontrollable need for SOME men to cheat and lie - about who he is, what he does, whether he is married or single, what type of relationship he wants, his job, his education, how many women he is seeing, his feelings for you, his online/offline/in line at the grocery store antics, his sexual orientation, his baby momma, his health status, his family...etc.....WHY?!?! The saddest part of all of this is what I see happening to the women and families as a result. What causes all of this? Can someone help me understand?
Is it that we as women have to remain guarded and suspicious because no matter what your age, profession, hometown, or religious beliefs, you have not matured enough to be a REAL MAN and tell the truth?
Is it that we have to do as Steve Harvey says and "think like a man" because you truly believe we are stupid enough to trust everything you say?
Is it that we cannot be the open, honest, REAL, loving woman that God created us to be FOR YOU AND TO YOU because you don’t have the sense to recognize it (although you SAY you do) and allow it? You simply take advantage of it!
Is it that YOU think you have the POWER and that everyone around you must bow down to your charming recitation of the practiced speeches and flattering "look into my eyes" hypnotics that you learned in magic class?
Is it that you have bought into the myth that there is a shortage of men and we will accept ANY kind of treatment to say we have one?
If so, then you need to deflate your ego and realize that we are NOT any of those things. We are women who, in spite of your attempt to demoralize and dehumanize us, continue to rise above. We are women who deal with the crap that you present only for awhile – and enjoy seeing you cringe when you see that we have upgraded to the next level of Man – the man that you WISH you could be but you just do not have the integrity – or as you fellas prefer to say – just don’t have the balls – platinum or otherwise – to be!
This is why you see on the news about women shooting men, lacing their food with drugs, and running them over with cars. The song “Bust your window out your car” wasn’t just something that they pulled out of the sky. There is a reason it is called a “CRIME OF PASSION”! STOP IT! Stop playing with our emotions. Stop acting as if we HAVE to take what you dish out. That is a dangerous game! We are TIRED OF YOUR BULL****!
So…back to the original question…can someone help me understand?
WHY LAWD, WHY?!?
The Tiger Woods soap opera has generated several conversations this week about relationships and there seems to be a recurring theme - the seemingly uncontrollable need for SOME men to cheat and lie - about who he is, what he does, whether he is married or single, what type of relationship he wants, his job, his education, how many women he is seeing, his feelings for you, his online/offline/in line at the grocery store antics, his sexual orientation, his baby momma, his health status, his family...etc.....WHY?!?! The saddest part of all of this is what I see happening to the women and families as a result. What causes all of this? Can someone help me understand?
Is it that we as women have to remain guarded and suspicious because no matter what your age, profession, hometown, or religious beliefs, you have not matured enough to be a REAL MAN and tell the truth?
Is it that we have to do as Steve Harvey says and "think like a man" because you truly believe we are stupid enough to trust everything you say?
Is it that we cannot be the open, honest, REAL, loving woman that God created us to be FOR YOU AND TO YOU because you don’t have the sense to recognize it (although you SAY you do) and allow it? You simply take advantage of it!
Is it that YOU think you have the POWER and that everyone around you must bow down to your charming recitation of the practiced speeches and flattering "look into my eyes" hypnotics that you learned in magic class?
Is it that you have bought into the myth that there is a shortage of men and we will accept ANY kind of treatment to say we have one?
If so, then you need to deflate your ego and realize that we are NOT any of those things. We are women who, in spite of your attempt to demoralize and dehumanize us, continue to rise above. We are women who deal with the crap that you present only for awhile – and enjoy seeing you cringe when you see that we have upgraded to the next level of Man – the man that you WISH you could be but you just do not have the integrity – or as you fellas prefer to say – just don’t have the balls – platinum or otherwise – to be!
This is why you see on the news about women shooting men, lacing their food with drugs, and running them over with cars. The song “Bust your window out your car” wasn’t just something that they pulled out of the sky. There is a reason it is called a “CRIME OF PASSION”! STOP IT! Stop playing with our emotions. Stop acting as if we HAVE to take what you dish out. That is a dangerous game! We are TIRED OF YOUR BULL****!
So…back to the original question…can someone help me understand?
WHY LAWD, WHY?!?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
...and so we begin...
I've been writing and giving my unbiased (or maybe a little biased) opinion for a few years now, but never considered setting up a blog just to say what I felt the need or had a desire to say. A friend of mine said that the time had come for me to step out and allow my "musings" to be read by others. So here I am.....embarking on a new adventure.....stepping out on faith. I'll come here and post my thoughts - things that are on my mind and in my heart - some of them you'll agree with and some of them you won't - but in the end we will have made a connection - you'll see!
I'll talk to you soon!
I'll talk to you soon!
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